Orochimaru's Birthday
by The Fellow Marauder
Summary: Orochimaru is having a birthday celebration, being held by Kabuto. OOC for all of the characters, random stupidness, but funny as... well... you understand. Written for Lori's birthday.


A belated birthday present to my tomodachi, Lori-chan. It will be pointless and humorous and all that jazz... Just be warned. _All the characters are OOC!_ Be prepared for anything!

Disclaimer: Me no own Naruto. Me just idolize long time. Heh.

"Oro-chan..." came the Harry Potter look-a-like's voice, singing through the air towards Orochimaru-san. Looking up from his cup of green tea, his snake eyes glared over at his subordinate. Kabuto, being the air-headed fool that he was, did not notice Orochimaru's distaste towards the tactless nickname he had been bombarded with. Thus, Kabuto sang the name again. "Oro-chan...!"

"Urusai(shut up)!" Orochimaru growled at him, his eyes narrowed even further. This outburst seemed to have an effect on the bubbly, silver-haired ninja and he quieted himself before collapsing on his knees, onto the ground. He lowered his head and remained silent for several moments before looking up. His lower lip was jutted out and his eyes were large. Tears gathered on the base of his eyelids as he looked at Orochimaru, hurt.

"Gomenasai(I'm sorry), Orochimaru-sensei." Feeling all his anger melt away at the sight of his subordinate, he sighed heavily in both disgust and latent defeat. Sticking out his tongue, it slithered through the air to Kabuto's face and licked the tears away. Kabuto blushed and smiled sweetly. The Harry Potter cosplayer was the only one who could effect Oro-chan and bring out his "softer side".

"Anyway, we better hurry up!" Kabuto stated, jumping to his feet. He had suddenly regained all the energy he had lost from being saddened. Now that girlish enthusiasm came back. Orochimaru was too stuck on what his minion had said, to be annoyed with the voice that he had said it in.

"Hurry up for what?" Orochimaru inquired, not sure he wanted to know the answer to that question.

"For your _party_, silly." Kabuto cooed, dancing around Orochimaru's chair, basking in the light of the sun that beat down on them both.

"What party?" He demanded in a "what-the-hell-did-you-do" voice.

"Your _birthday_ party. I had to do a little investigating, but I finally found the day you were born! I had to break into the secret Hokage base, of course, but I _found_ it! And you know how good I am at disguises! Ho-ho-ho!" Kabuto rambled on and on, his limp wrist flying every which way. He was blushing profusely at Oro-chan's nonexistant comments before giggling.

Orochimaru wanted only to cover his ears. It was too noisy.

_Urusai..._ He moaned within his head. _Urusai...!_

"SHUT UP!" came a loud voice behind Orochimaru. He turned to thank the person who had finally put a cork in his lover's mouth. That was until he saw who it was and his face fell. He groaned. Standing there, was none other than Uzumaki Naruto with koiboto(boyfriend), Uchiha Sasuke.

-the screen fades to black for a few seconds before coming back.-

-with koiboto(boyfriend), Uchiha Sasuke.

"URUSAI, BAKA!" With that, the golden-haired Konoha ninja came running down the hill towards Orochimaru and Kabuto. Making a ninjitsu hand gesture, he began to use "shadow divide art", but his toe caught onto a rock as he threw himself down the hill. They all stood (including Sasuke) there and watched as Naruto slid down on his stomach, dirtying his orange outfit. Kabuto, Orochimaru and Sasuke remained frozen all through Naruto-kun's ride downwards. When he reached the bottom, his front was completely covered with mud and soil, along with a few pieces of grass placed randomly on his newly designed clothes.

Sasuke shrugged. "Okay, then." Rather than make his appearance the same as his boyfriend's, Sasuke decided to use a more sensable (and much cleaner) route: he used chakura to "teleport" himself from the top of the hill to the bottom. There, he was met by an overzealous glomping fool.

"SASUKE-KUN!" Kabuto screamed, leaving his master's side to embrace the black-haired surviving Uchiha. Sasuke did not respond, but simply glared at Orochimaru. Noticing this, the snake shinobi glared back momentarily, but his look was more so filled with confusion than anger.

"What's wrong, Sasuke-kun?" Orochimaru inquired. "Are you still mad about the curse brand I placed on your neck?" He laughed. "That was forever ago."

"IT'S NOT THAT!" Sasuke yelled, jumping away from Kabuto's grasp. He clenched his fists at his sides and shook slightly with anger. "_My_ birthday was last weekend! _You_ didn't send me a birthday card, you jerk!"

Orochimaru was taken aback. "Well..." he thought quickly, ideas rushing through her head. "It must have... gotten lost... in... the... mail..." He knew the second he had said it that he should not have. Sasuke confirmed why.

"WHEN HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MAILMAN IN KONOHA?"

"Calm down, Uchiha Sasuke-kun." Orochimaru sighed. "Gomenasai, a'right?" At his apology, Sasuke shut up. Embarassed, he looked down at his feet, his cheeks lightly flushed.

"Well..." he muttered. "It's okay."

Kabuto, seeing that everything was okay between Oro-chan and Sasuke, then grinned widely once again. "Well, now that everything's in order, let's all sit and enjoy ourselves until our other guests arrive, shall we?" He placed his arm over Sasuke's broad shoulders. Still standing back at a distance, Naruto started twitching. Rushing up, he seized Sasuke by the arm and ripped him away from Kabuto. Clinging close to the Uchiha, Naruto yelled at the silver-haired spy.

"SASUKE IS MINE!" Naruto screamed.

Kabuto smirked. "I was only leading him over to Oro-chan. I wasn't going to do anything." However in his mind, he mumbled, _Dammit. He's onto me._ Looking up at Sasuke again (as Sasuke petted Naruto's spiky head), Kabuto lifted his fingers to his lips. _He's so pretty..._

Just then, more guests arrived for Orochimaru's birthday party: Shikamaru, Gaara and Ino. Sakura was there as well, but was falling behind, out-weighed too much by her mutant forehead. As the others came over to Sasuke, Naruto, Orochimaru and Kabuto, Ino stopped for a moment to yell back at her girlfriend.

"SAKURA-CHAN! Hurry up!"

"I'm... trying..." She whined in her usual annoying voice.

"Well, try harder." Gaara growled back at her. Shikamaru continued on towards the others, followed by Gaara not too far behind. Ino had to stay and wait, or else Sakura would bitch for as long as she could until she passed out.

Nearly half an hour later, everyone was there. Well, nearly everyone, since Jiraiya and Kakashi had yet to arrive. Gaara, Sasuke, Naruto, Ino, Sakura, Tsunade, Shikamaru, Lee, Gai and Iruka were all there with Kabuto and Orochimaru.

_I thought it was going to be a nice day._ Oro-chan thought to himself as he looked at the greater cast of the gloriously sugoi ninjitsu anime series. _I just wanted some tea... maybe terrorize a squirrel or two and send Kabuto on a "mission"... now look at me. I'm at a bloody birthday party for my bloody self with a bunch of bloody fools who don't bloody know what they're bloody talking about._ How or even why Orochimaru turned slightly British is beyond anyone.

"PAR-TAY TIME!" Kabuto exclaimed, bouncing around the chair in which Orochimaru sat. Oro-chan glared. He had more reason to glare when the silver haired ninja pulled out a fruitsy decorated party hat to put on his head. He giggled afterwards. "Okay, okay! Everyone gather around Oro-chan for presents!" They all did, some with food in their hands (like Naruto) and some with drinks in their hands (like Iruka) and others with just the boxes wrapped in pretty paper. Kabuto stood next to Orochimaru, standing guard in case anyone was going to attack.

"ME FIRST! ME FIRST! ME FIRST!" Naruto screamed excitedly. He always wanted to be the center of attention and he figured that the first present would get more attention than the last. Sasuke-kun stood next to his koiboto, twitching as Naruto yelled. He hated a lot of noise.

"All right, Naruto-kun. You can give him yours first." Kabuto agreed.

"YAYY!" Naruto cheered before leaving Sasuke's side and jumping up to Orochimaru. "I got you this!" Ecstatic, the golden-haired ninja whipped out a silver wrapped present from his pocket and handed it to Orochimaru. A little skeptical, the snake ninja took it and slowly unwrapped it. He was hesitant, thinking that Naruto would give him a bomb for messing with his pretty boy-toy; what with all the curse brand and I-must-have-Sasuke attitude he had shown throughout the series since his arrival. But when the paper fell away, Orochimaru realized (once again) that he should not over estimate this ninja. All he cared about was... "RAMEN!" Naruto cheered. Orochimaru's face fell. "Yummy-yummy ramen, Oro-chan! It has many good spices and I almost did not want to give it to you, but I know you will like it!" Orochimaru looked up at Naruto, who was beaming in self-pride. Sighing, he handed the instant ramen noodles to Kabuto and muttered,

"Next."

The next one to step up was Sasuke-kun. Naruto did not back into the crowd that gathered around Oro-chan's "throne" once his present was handed over. Instead, he stood next to Sasuke, clamped to him and glaring at Kabuto incase the silver-haired ninja planned anything. Inwardly, Kabuto pouted.

_Oh, darn it._ He thought to himself.

With a grand smirk on his face, Orochimaru inquired of the genius Uchiha, "What did you get me, Sasuke-kun? Something precious, I hope." He slurped his tongue across his lower lip, enticing Sasuke. The black haired boy flushed at the sight of that tongue. Shivering and casting aside all those feelings of uneasiness that had just travelled through his body, Sasuke tossed his present (which was lumpy) at Orochimaru before turning away. He grabbed Naruto's hand and pulled him back into the confines of the crowd. Curious, Oro-chan opened the present and out fell a snake plushie. Glancing up, he looked at Sasuke, who had his head lowered and refused to meet the eyes of his "master". Uchiha's face was completely flushed from embarrassment. Orochimaru smiled and licked his thin lips again with his long tongue.

"Arigatou, Sasuke-kun." He said quietly, only Kabuto and Sasuke able to hear.

Sasuke shivered with anticipation.

Kabuto pouted.

A squirrel got chased and the story moved on.

"Next?"

"I will go next!" Came a shout from the back of the crowd. Grabbing everyone's attention, they all looked to see who it was. There was a great groan, for they needed not have turned their heads forty-five degrees. They should have known who it was. "I, ROCK LEE, AM HERE TO HONOR OROCHIMARU'S DAY OF BIRTH WITH MY PRESENT!" Lee was in his strange stance but, standing next to him, was a man in an even stranger stance: the gayest man in all of the anime who simply had a very hard time concealing his true sexuality. Gai-sensei and Lee made their way to the front of the group and up to Orochimaru's chair.

Orochimaru shivered. He had never seen anything as repulsive as that... that... what the hell were the two of them wearing? It looked like a bad cabbage night at the nursing home gone bad! Trying to contain himself from the gagging and jerking and overall seizure-filled experience of the sight, he remained calm. Even if that translated to him grinding his teeth to keep from breaking out in a sweat and screaming for him mummy (yes, mummy). "What... have... you... come... to... give... me...?" He asked through gritted teeth.

Lee handed over a smaller gift than the previous two and Oro-chan was mildly disappointed. Opening it with shaky hands ("Look, Lee-san! He is so happy he is shaking!" Gai whispered), it was revealed to be a dumbbell; one that someone uses for excersizes.

"Oh." was all Orochimaru said.

And, quite plainly, it said it all for the rest of them as well.

"HE LIKED IT!" Lee cried, jumping up, glomping his arms around his instructor and doing a victory dance with him. "HE REALLY LIKED IT!"

"Yes!" Gai cheered, the two of them with commemorative tears in their eyes. They laughed and danced and frolliked. All the while, Orochimaru lifted the weight precariously up and down in his hand, letting it rise and then bring his arm weight down to his knee. He looked up and ruined their ceremonial dance and song by saying,

"Excuse me!"

They stopped.

"But, Gai-kun, I am appalled to see that you have not given me my present yet." His snake eyes piercing through Gai's, he inquired quite mildly (though it had a stronger effect on the sensei), "Why?"

"Because..." Gai answered uneasily. "Because... I haven't got one, Orochimaru-kun. I'm sorry."

"Oh." Again, quite mildly. Everything was silent and still before Orochimaru threw Lee's dumbbell at Gai and hit him squarely between the eyes.

"OUCHIE!" Gai cried out, rubbing the spot on his head where he was now bleeding profusely. "Wh- wh- why?"

Orochimaru shrugged. "No present, you get hurt."

They all gasped.

But they needn't have worried much.

Orochimaru just did not like Gai.

Creepy man with creepy pose in a creepy jumpsuit. :shiver, shiver:

So Lee led away his instructor and the present-giving commenced.

It was an hour later and all the presents had been handed out. Ino had given him an autographed picture of Sasuke (which Kabuto tried to steal and failed to). Iruka gave him a check worth 100 Konoha dollars. Gaara gave him a sand castle, Sakura gave him a flower which Orochimaru ate. No one really knew why, nor did anyone care to ask. Tsunade handed him some of her poker chips (and had a fit doing so). Shikamaru had not given him a present, but Oro-chan did not bother to hurt him. He was too lazy. Plus, as earlier mentioned, he only just did not like Gai.

When the party was almost finished (and Orochimaru was getting more optimistic because he was ready to terrorize that squirrel...), it was revealed that there was still ONE MORE GIFT. Orochimaru sighed.

"It's from ME!" Kabuto exclaimed, attempting to inspire a shower of love and affection within Oro-chan. He instead got a groan.

Kabuto, nevertheless, dished out his present and handed it over. It was a heart-shaped candy box of assorted chocolates. On the cover of the (flourished) red box was written in fancy lettering, "To My Dearest Leader, Love with all My Heart and Lovely Loveliness, Kabuto-kun". Orochimaru glared at the box. So... much... pinkness... and flurry... lacy... girly... stuff... He wanted to gag. In fact, he did. He got no response.

"Kabuto..." He stated icily. The bubbly shinobi leaned down and, batting his eyelashes, listened intently to what his "boss" was about to say.

"I AM DIABETIC!" Orochimaru screamed as he threw the chocolates at the Harry Potter look-a-like. The box broke open and everyone there treated the moment as if it were a pinata and dove for all the milky brown sweetness that was chocolate. And with that, the party was over. Jiraiya and Kakashi never showed because they ended up getting in a harsh game of pinochle with the squirrel Orochimaru had been wanting to terrorize all day, and they got themselves so caught up in the game that they forgot.

OWARI!

Sorry it is so long! Gomen ne! Please review anyhow! You better have liked this, Lori!

Ja. Naruto-senpai


End file.
